Behavioral Health Expert
Ruth Quillian Wolever, a clinical health psychologist, is the Director of Behavioral Health and Lifestyle Coaching at the Duke Diet & Fitness Center. She specializes in behavior change, treatment of stress-related problems, and mind-body health. She is particularly interested in the use of mindfulness meditation techniques to improve eating behavior and weight management, and she researches integrative treatments to improve diabetes control, cardiovascular risk, and sleep.
Why is it so difficult for me to tell people what I am really feeling? I get so frustrated and usually stifle my feelings. Then I find myself eating out of frustration.
Answer:
This is a common issue for many people. Being able to effectively communicate how you feel to other people is an important aspect of enlisting support. There are 4 types of communication styles.
1. Passive
2. Aggressive
3. Passive-Aggressive
4. Assertive
It appears that in the example you provided you may engage in passive communication, which is when you may try to avoid conflict at all costs. You may have the belief that your view is less important than someone else’s view. This can lead to problems setting personal boundaries and not getting your needs met. It can also lead to frustration which can come out in other ways (e.g., passive-aggressive behavior). In your case turning to food may be your way of coping with your feelings and frustrations by "stuffing them down." However, this is only a temporary relief as you most likely will feel frustrated again. Using food instead of speaking up for what you need ultimately may result in weight gain and you will be missing out on opportunities to enlist the support of others.
Instead, it is more effective to engage in assertive communication, which is the ability to express your ideas and feelings in an honest, open, and direct way. Keep in mind, assertiveness is very different from aggressiveness. When you are assertive you demonstrate respect for your rights and opinions while also respecting others’ feelings (See “Effective Communication”). With assertiveness, it is very effective to express your needs by using “I” statements. This demonstrates that you take ownership of reactions and feelings and that you do not attribute blame on the other person. When you use “I” statements you need to focus on 3 things – behaviors, feelings, and consequences. For example, “When you tell me I need to lose weight I feel sad and then I have no energy for exercise.” It is also important to ask for what you need. For example, “I would really appreciate it if you would ask me if I would like to go on a walk with you.”
Remember, it takes practice to learn new behaviors and it may feel awkward at first. Being assertive may feel awkward to you if you’re more used to being passive, but the rewards are worth the effort!
Ruth Quillian Wolever, PhD